Magnum Farce

Sucky day to top off a sucky week in the sucky life of sucky me.

Trapped in the supermarket from Hell with the cast of Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome.

Fuck this noise!

I decide against my better judgement to fall off my self-imposed Magnum wagon and treat myself. What the heck, the Magnums are on offer and I DESERVE it god dammit. I deserve heroin after the shitty week I’ve had. But I’ve heard it’s moreish so I’ll stick to the Magnums. Which it turns out are more moreish than heroin but how the hell was I to know that. Anyway better the devil you know. And they’re so god damn tasty. And it will be winter soon and the nationwide Magnum ban will come into force.

Yay – treat justified! Bring on the Magnums!


I hack and slash my way through the godless heathens to reach my quarry.

Oh no.


No, no. no.

Horror of all horrors.

The Magnums are no longer on offer. They’ve whacked them right back up to the full price.

But they’ve been on offer so long I thought it would never end. I’m so used to the offer price that the full price seems blasphemous. I can’t possibly justify it.

How could you do this to me Tesco you BASTARDS? After the week I’ve had. It’s like they knew. But how could they know? Why would they go to that much trouble just to fuck me over? It seems implausible, preposterous, yet I somehow I still believe it.

I stand staring at the Magnums, face and hands pressed up against the sweating glass.

At first I try to will the price back down with the power of my mind alone.

I take a moment to weep at my total failure.

Other people are trying to get in on the action from the periphery, trying to intimidate me into moving so that THEY can get their hands on my Magnums. The BASTARDS.

I stand firm, defiant. If I tolerate this, then my Maltesers will be next. And if I can’t have the Magnums then by the power of Greyskull, they won’t have them either.

Scanning around, desperately searching for a way out of this impossible quandary, something to clutch onto. An honourable surrender.

Torch the supermarket?

It’s a sound idea – that way all the Magnums would melt and no-one could have them – but in this day and age of NSA CCTV oversight I’d never get away with it. I’ll keep that on the back burner as a potential last resort.

Going round in circles, driven half mad by my Magnum-lust; punching housewives who try to sneak in from the side; drop kicking would-be interloping children over the checkouts into the car park; levitating have-a-go-hero security guards and pinning them to the ceiling.

This is between me and the Magnums you BASTARDS. Have some respect mortals.

But what’s this?

Tesco’s OWN Magnum pretender?

Pffft don’t be ridiculous they’re never the same. They’re probably made out of frozen snot and cardboard and make your balls fall off.

Yet they have such tasteful packaging and inviting product photography. The unlikely brown and pink gradient played to such enticing effect, framing the filthy whore of an ice cream seductively ripped open exposing her inviting insides. She melts in my eyes. Oh God help me please …

The power of CHRIST compels you!

I tell you what though – they’re no fools at Tesco’s evil moutain hideout. They know they’d normally have to pay customers to even consider opting for their naff alternative over the real thing. So they’ve really pushed the boat out here. Sexy rosettes boast the ice creams top achievements on the front. They claim it has dairy ice cream and a double coating of Belgian chocolate. They’ve even squirted their special nymphomaniac chocolate sauce inside. The dirty bastards.

The photographs seem to back these outrageous claims up.


They didn’t even bother mentioning the liberally sprinkled choc chips on the outside.

How cavalier. They’re just playing with me now.

And besides they’re offering a better product for 2/3 the price.

In my gut I feel my allegiance being swayed with their subtle marketing ploys and price skullduggery. The BASTARDS.

But you know what – even if I am being played by evil Tesco scientists, the logic is undeniable here, the sums check out, and God dammit, this is the last time Walls stiff me with this calculated price vacillation. It’s summer 2013 all over again. They suck you in with freebies till you’re hooked, then they charge in for the kill and rob you blind.

So it’s time to take the fight to Walls and get in bed with their competition.

I proudly pick up the Tesco pseudo Magnums, confident I’ve made the right choice. I feel like Bobby Fischer playing the winning move. Everyone thinks he’s fucked himself, and then five minutes later he’s chess champion of the world.

I get home and cook my ridiculous infantile meal – a perfunctory gesture done reluctantly and with zero enthusiasm, just to tick the necessary boxes so that I can move on to the infinitely more important part of the evening – warped sex with my pseudo Magnum.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh babehhhhh.

I run my finger down the lip of the box, tearing its dress off without due care. I plunge my hand inside and bring it out to reveal  ….



Say it aint so.




I fall to my knees crying, dropping a wretched abomination of ice-creamhood on the floor. Wailing like a small child, banging my head against the fridge door, cursing my gullibility.

OF COURSE – that’s how Tesco can pull it off with all those bells and whistles for 2/3 the price – it’s filled with EVIL MIDGET IMPOSTER ICE CREAMS!

It’s genius. I didn’t even see it coming. You fuckers. You’re gonna pay dearly for this treachery.

Oh God will I never learn.

I’ve been a fool to myself.

And the bastards didn’t even have the decency to put a proper Magnumesque wrapper on it. Just a flimsy transparent mockery of a wrapper. A wrapper that says “You mug. Now we’ve had our wicked way with you, we’re wiping ourselves off with your underpants and laughing in your stupid face -a ha ha ha haha. A ha ha ha. Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha. A HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!”

Yeah well laugh it up moneyfunsters, cos I’m coming back there tomorrow with a truckload of fuckin semtex and taking the entire god damn supermarket out.



Then onto Wall’s in an airship filled with dog poo.


No-one sleeps until this outrage is avenged.



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