Future Time Tourist Scumbags

I sometimes like to take a moment to castigate the future time tourist scumbags who spy on me uninvited as I try to go about my private business. They think I don’t know they’re there. They think they’re awfully clever, cloaked behind their future technology. Invisible museum visitors creeping around oblivious exhibits. Creepy little supercilious voyeurs through time and space.

I petition them that if they’re going to use their advanced technology to spy on me like they do, then why not do something helpful, like fix my OCD, or maybe send back a domestobot to help me with the chores. The cowards never answer of course. I know their game – they think that if they don’t answer, then I’ll stop believing they’re there. But I know they’re there and I’m judging them.

I warn them that even though they have the technological advantage in these four dimensions, there’s a higher authority to answer to eventually; that they are working up a terrible karma deficit with their Promethean transgressions. I imagine my accusations will eventually make front page news wherever and whenever they are, in some kind of future holographic quantum newspaper …

“NEWSFLASH! Caveman claims he’s onto us! Experts say he’s bluffing.”

But I won’t give up. I know they’re there. And I know they know I know they’re there. And I know they can hear my reprimands and accusations. I can smell the stench of their badly buried guilty consciences wafting up from shallow graves.

I won’t quit until they reveal themselves to me and agree to be blackmailed for my silence, with cures and future treats. Maybe a trip to the future where all the women will find me hairy and charming. Where I’ll do the chat show circuit and sponsor products I don’t understand.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. For now, all I need them to know, as they huddle behind me reading these very words with incredulous bulbous shut-in eyes, is that I know they’re there, and it is not OK that they come here unbidden to spy on my ablutions from the shadows. And if they don’t make it right, then by God I’ll tell the authorities and then we’ll see who’s laughing.


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