You may be surprised to hear that, despite my suave looks and my sophisticated writing and my urbane demeanour and my SAS experience(which I’m afraid I really cannot talk about, although apparently I am authorised to just mention that they gave me the medal for being the bravest), I’m actually common as muck.
Yes, my family were so poor, we all had to share one shoe. Taking turns to hop back and forth to the knacker’s yard to beg for buckets of blood to dip our mouldy crumbs of condemned bread into. But we couldn’t have Christmas dinner every day.
Imagine my delight when I realised an American composer had written a fanfare for my kind. God bless you Aaron Copland:
It ain’t arf bad mister, but it could ave dan wiv a bit more fiddle, washboard and spoons if y’ask me.
Oy oyyyyyyy! Awright darlin? Fancy a bit er ows yer farver?
You LAV it.