Some Steven Wright quotes:
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time” so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, “Happy Birthday”.
If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?