Before I became a MASTER BLOGGER(and I assure you I do NOT use those words lightly), I walked the Earth, fighting crime, solving mysteries, stroking cute animals, pleasuring beautiful women, and collecting AMAZING WISDOM and pertinent questions.
Tonight children(sorry but I do like to think of you all as my children(DON’T FIGHT IT!!!)), I am honoured to share with you the fruit of my adventures.
It’s my way of saying thank you for all of the gold, whisky and Cuban cigars you’ve been sending me. What’s that you say? You haven’t sent any yet?? Oh really??? But I heard all the cool people were sending them. You are cool aren’t you?
OK – enough foreplay – strap yourselves into your swivel chairs, spin them round till you’re sick. YOU TOO GRANDMA, don’t think I can’t see you skulking at the back. No not you, the other one with the blue hair.
Prepare to be dazzled …
BLAST OFF …
I think there should be one day a week when all the hairdressers, astronauts, firemen, chefs, air stewardesses, nurses, clowns and soldiers swapped uniforms. Just to keep everybody on their toes.
Everyone’s always complimenting little children on their writing and art but I’ve seen it and it’s RUBBISH!
I guarantee that the one time I forget to vote will be the time the worst person in history wins on 1 vote.
Periods, unscratchable itches, the fear of heights, wasps, toothache, dog poo, recruitment consultants and Simon Cowell are all things the Devil planted here to trick us into thinking that God doesn’t exist.
Life is nothing like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a tumble dryer full of turds and scorpions.
If you want to feed a man for a day, give him a fish
If you want to feed a man for a week, give him a fridge and 7 fishes, but make sure there’s a variety – may I be so bold as to suggest 2 cod, 2 haddock, 2 halibut, and a red snapper as a special treat for the last day.
If you want to feed a man for a lifetime, perhaps it’s time to consider going into catering full time, because you’re being a fool to yourself.
When Samuel Johnson said “When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life” either he was working for the London Tourist Board, or he’d only been in London for one day and got over-excited.
I watched all three Ironman movies and there wasn’t any ironing in any of them. I call bullshit on that.
If Jesus came back and started a blog, wouldn’t it be sad if no-one even noticed?
Are submariners really just shy sailors?
If moths like the light so much, why don’t they just get out of bed earlier.
If Noah tried to build his ark today, by the time the flood came, would it be covered in rude words and badly drawn penises?
Why don’t they just change the Geneva Convention so that soldiers are only allowed Nerf guns? Then wars would be hilarious.
Are the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and my dentist in league together?
If farts made a violin sound and smelled of strawberries, would we still find them vulgar?
If I got my uncle to change his name to Bob, would everything start going smoothly for me after that?
If every cloud has a silver lining, why don’t we send special cloud scraping air balloons up. We could solve the financial crisis within weeks.
Why are there no ghosts of birds?
If God sees everything, doesn’t that just make him the biggest pervert in history?
How many tiny people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Why 2 of course! Unless it’s an orgy, then as many as you want until the light bulb is full.
If fools rush in where angels fear to tread, does that mean angels are afraid of Disney Land, McDonald’s and Casinos?
If it was made international law that everyone around the world had to face East and fart at dawn, would the Earth start spinning faster and faster?