Wanted Dead or Alive – Bon Jovi:
You’d like me to tell you about the time I went to see them play in 1989?
Oh I bet you would.
I bet you’d like to gather round with your cocoa and blankets sucking your stupid thumbs while I regale you with the kind of stories that would send God to sleep.
(shite – that came out wrong)
WELL I’M NOT GOING TO!
You’ve let me down badly tonight.
I put blood sweat and tears(liquid from my eyes, not ripped paper) into that Ewan MacColl blog post, and you all pointedly shunned it like the haughty naughty little sodpots you are.
You made me feel quite the fool.
And now you’ve got to win my love back if you want the special stuff.
“How?” I hear you ask.
Well I’ll tell you how.
First send whisky.
Not any old shit mind!
Single malt Scotch whisky distilled in the highlands and stored in oak casks for at least 3 decades.
Then send Cuban cigars.
Then Cuban heels.
I’LL ASK THE QUESTIONS DAMN YOUR EYES!!!
Then women. YES WOMEN. Doubtpuppet cannot live on AMAZING blog posts alone. Don’t you dare judge me you unworthy peasants.
Then send gold bullion. Lots of it.
Once I’m satisfied, I’ll contemplate forgiving you and turning the awesomeness tap back on.
Until then you get only neanderthal music and no stories.
DID I JUST HEAR SOMEONE CHEER AT THE BACK THERE?
I’m going to get you.
I’ll find you and I’ll eviscerate you in front of the others.
The rest of you – GET TO WORK!