Von Crapp

I recently met a wise lady who told me the way to great riches and fame was to write even more song recommendations on my blog. I knew people loved them really and were just pretending to shun them. Typical. What are you like eh?

WHAT ARE YOU LIKE!?

Eh?

Tickle tickle tickle?

That’s right.

You’re like my children.

Like my von Trapp children who I rule over with a strict military regime and round the clock drills. But not to become jolly singers singing songs about goat herds and favourite things. Oh no. Nothing like that I’m afraid. But to become assassins. Capable of killing with a thought at a thousand paces. So that I can send you all out into the world, per chance to England, America, India, even as far as exotic Bulgaria – as my Manchurian candidates who I can awaken with carefully selected musical cues come the dawn of my blessed revolution. To be my instruments in the world of men, to do my bidding and purge the world of mine enemies!

THAT’S RIGHT! AH HA HA HA HA! I’ve been playing you all along!

Hypnotising you with these so-called song recommendations and reprogramming your neural networks without you even realising it.

And if my calculations are right, by this point you will be strangely drawn to these musical recommendations against your better judgement like a moth is drawn to a light bulb, like a Scotsman is drawn to a Wetherspoon’s pub at happy hour, like chavs are drawn to sales, like shells are drawn to snails,  like weight watchers are drawn to scales, like kettles are drawn to scale, and like maps are drawn to scale.

Sorry the needle got stuck there at the end.

For the record I had about another hundred of those in the magazine so I do have some will power.

(like William Power is drawn to ales!) (what the?)

Yes, now, not only do you no longer turn your nose up at these BLOODY FANTASTIC song recommendations, but you crave them like crack cocaine. And so, we are ready to enter phase 2 of operation Doubt Puppet. Don’t fret. All will be revealed in good time my children.

But for now, I’d like to recommend a song …

ba ha

bwa ha ha

bwa ha ha ha ha

bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

BWA HA HA HA HA HA AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

BWAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

(wait, does anyone really say “bwa” before laughing – I’ve never seen it? Not once in these 378 years. WHOOPSY! I’ve said too much)

So here without further to do is Edelweiss by the extremely sexy(but still not as much as me obviously) Captain von Trapp(you just know he got called von Crapp at school, poor bastard)(probably what made him so mean with his kids actually)(sorry I’ve totally murdered the shocking climax of the blog post here, I can see that now)(but it’s too late to go back now … so ONWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!):

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4 thoughts on “Von Crapp

  1. Doubtpuppet, I feel obliged to tell you that I knew about your vicious plan all along and I’ve deciphered all the hidden codes in your song recommendation posts, also telling you now once never to repeat again that your actual posts have killed more people already (I mean, you knew that people often die of too much laughing, don’t you???) than any of us, your potential assassins, could ever dream to exterminate by the power of the thought…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well well.
      (tip: it’s a good word to repeat while you’re thinking of a response)
      I suspected there was a spy in our midst and that’s PRECISELY why I invented this whole Manchurian candidate cock and bull story to lure them out into the open.
      Thank you for doing my work for me Mr Bond, I mean Irina.
      I hereby strip you of your dragon arm tattoo thingamajig(or grandma’s pants, I can’t quite remember which one you settled on in the end) and sentence you to perform The Safety Dance ad nauseam until everything is safe again.
      Here’s a little taste to get you warmed up:

      I think you’ll find my methods to be cruel, but effective.

      Liked by 1 person

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