Well it looks like the awards buzz has hit Hollywood again, and The Academy(Susan) has seen fit to nominate me for an Oscar for most handsome blogger(the Blue Sky Tag).
I’m not even going to get into the whole “What the HELL is a Blue Sky Tag anyway?” debate. That would be undignified at this point. I’ll tell you this right off the bat though. I’m not nominating anyone else because I have no friends. Only enemies. And if I did have friends I’d like to think I wouldn’t besmirch them with a series of fruity questions(hint hint Flusan).
Besides, now that I’m world famous, frankly I don’t have time for such provincial trifles and I’m only answering this nomination because I know that Susan secretly fancies me and I don’t want to break her heart.
There I said it.
No Mr. Susan! I don’t care any more! You don’t deserve her!
I hereby challenge you to a duel with catapults at dawn.
If you’re a gentleman, you’ll come alone and tell noone.
(((That way when I roll over you in my Abrams tank, noone will suspect a thing!)))
DAMN I told him my entire plan. Grrrrrrrrr. Foiled again by my own stupidity!
OK Mr. Susan, you can keep her for now. But I’ll be back with a new plan soon you terrible scoundrel …..
Now the mentally unhinged preamble is out of the way, we can finally get down to the business at hand. Apparently, as part of this Blue Sky Tag(WTFFFFFF???) strangeness, Susan has sent me some violating questions which I have to give answers to under pain of death. So here goes people. I’m not scared in the slightest. I have the blood of vikings, saxons, normans and celts pumping through these veins. And possibly a cheeky milkman called Terry although those rumours are still unconfirmed. I will face these questions like I face all my enemies. Screaming and swinging an eggwhisk around my head as I skip around the back garden naked.
I’m so sorry everybody – I just ate some chocolate biscuits and I think they’ve had a bad reaction with my brain chemistry. I’ll try to shut the fuck up now and just answer the damn questions. Then we can all go back to our families and try to recover from this abomination of a blog post. Blame Susan man.
So without further to do:
- sun or rain?
Sorry, sorry, sorry. A thousand times sorry. I went off half-cocked there. I was all excited about the interview, and that whole chocolate biscuit fiasco is still affecting my thinking. I’ll try harder now. Right … Sun or rain. Well it all depends on the context really surely. WTF? What’s the deal with these bullshit questions anyway? Why’s everyone getting on my case all of a sudden? YOU’RE NOT MY DAD SUSAN OK!!?!?
OK final answer: rain, it washes away the memories. (nailed it)
- Chocolate: candy or a daily requirement?
Hmmmm. I’m going to be boring and say candy. Which is American for sweets. Although for me it seems to be a daily requirement at the moment, but I’ve gone wrong in the headbone so don’t let that influence you. (eat more chocolate everyone! do it! DO IT NOW!!! I can see you you know. Yes you. With the moustache, not eating chocolate! Get it down you lad! That’s better. Now smear it all over your face. Oh what’s that? You gonna cry now?)(god have mercy on my soul – we’re only 2 questions in and it’s all going wrong)
- Pop-in visitors: hide in a closet or answer the door?
Oh screw the closet – I’ve excavated an elaborate tunnel system underneath the house based on an NVA design I bought from an old Vietnamese civil engineer I met in prison in exchange for shivving his enemy in the yard. I’ve said too much … let’s go with closet.
- Favorite scent:
My ex girlfriend’s hair. That’s the kind of nonsense you want me to say isn’t it? You schmoltz-mongers!
Well HA! In your faces, because that’s NOT the answer!
The answer is bergamot(or Azzaro For Men aftershave). No, my ex’s hair smelt of poo on account she’s The Poo Queen. I just made that up – it’s not true at all. Oh god what have I become? I clearly still have a few issues to work through there. Come back to me baby! If you’re reading this!? I’m much better now really. Oh, and er, whatever you do, don’t read the blog! It was the work of an imposter. That ain’t me!
- Museums – Interesting or bo-o-ring?
How DARE you? Museums are super interesting. Even when I was tremendously ill and ensconced in a crappy hotel room in London while forced to attend a super-boring IT course in 2008, I forced myself at gunpoint to go and visit the British Museum around the corner. You know what I saw there? Postcards from Roman soldiers stationed at Hadrian’s Wall written on papyrus. One of them was writing to his mum asking for socks. True story! Now if THAT’s boring, then call me Reichsmarschall Hermann Boring, cos I flippin love that stuff.
- Favorite spot for relaxing:
Wow the options really suck for me on this one. The question should read “Least godawful spot for relaxing”. Hmmmmmmm. OK then. I shall saaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy right here. Sat at my command centre, writing to you guys on my blog. Cos I love you all individually as though you were my concubines, I mean children. I’m no bigamist dammit! And besides I’m not even into hedgehogs!
- Next vacation (if money were no object):
Va-what now? Is that when the doctor puts a needle in your arm to make measles go away? OK I googled it. It’s the thing with the flying tubes, new clothes, beer and beaches. I GET IT. Hmmmmmmmm. I will say a cruise along the coast of Norway. I heard about it once and it’s meant to be really cool and relaxing with great views. Plus I could pretend I was Kirk Douglas In The Heroes of Telemark and frantically run around the deck organising the children into a game to win a bar of chocolate.
- Starbucks coffee or anywhere else but?
OK I know what the beatniks want me to say but yknow what – I didn’t mind Starbucks the couple of times I went there. I think the last time was about 15 years ago in London but it was quite a nice place I thought. More recently, I made the mistake of going to a Starbucks imitation down the road from my mechanic and it just did not work on any level. It was like a bunch of football hooligans trying to stage a performance of King Lear in Mogadishu. I was trying to act all sophisticated, posing on my laptop, pulling writer faces, but the kids who worked there were screaming and throwing stuff around and I couldn’t concentrate. I got them back though. I gave the toilet a thorough clean after I used it. HA that’ll teach them to mess with me.
What the HELL was the question again? Oh I already answered it. Why are you harassing me then? This interview is BI-ZARRE! I’m not a number I’m a free man! So yeah, Starbucks, but if I was King of the World, I’d have all the Starbuckses demolished and buddhist coffee houses erected in their place.
- Save or spend?
“Win some, lose some it’s all the same to me” – Lemmy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWB5JZRGl0U
Listen people. Sometimes you stray past a magic line in life where it really doesn’t matter any more. I’m about 5 years past that magic line! Ha ha ha ha(AAAAARRRRGGHHHHHH!!!!! SEEEEND HEEEEELP)
- Favorite food:
Panda Bourgignon. But when panda’s not in season, Swan Wings in Kermit the Frog sauce are quite a fancy amuse-bouche.
- Why do you blog?
How dare you? Jesus. I feel so violated by these questions. I may sue.
But since you’ve already traumatised me with the impertinent question, then please allow me to retort … Ahem
I blog because if I don’t, then who the hell will?
I blog for the downtrodden and the hungry.
I blog because in a sea of lies someone should man the lighthouse of truth.
I blog because I can’t afford therapy any more and maybe if I spew enough shit onto the page, my head will feel empty.
I blog because a crazy Irishman called me one day and said he’d strapped a bomb to my chair and if I didn’t keep writing inane nonsense it would go off.
I blog because the blogosphere without Doubtpuppet is like a Rainbow without a bow. And that’s just rain.
I blog because I heard it’s a great way to get chicks.
I blog because that last one was a joke OK (not that I’m not into chicks, just … oh just forget it for heaven’s sake)
I blog because I have things to say that the world needs to hear
I blog because I believe that together, by sitting on our asses typing, and eschewing any positive action whatsoever, we can change the world
I blog because when a few good men are silenced, evil triumphs
I blog for the world wary, the bullied, the mentally confused and the smelly
I blog because there can be only one
I blog because I will have my revenge in this life or the next
I blog because I’m not the hero Gotham needs right now but I’m the one that it deserves
I blog because I’m BATMAN …