J’Accuse Danny!

Watching Lucy Brazier’s hilarious Without Me tribute just now reminded me of Grease, which my mum ill-advisedly took me to see when I was about 5. Nice parenting Mum – no wonder I turned out to be a massive pervert … … … … … … … … … …

I’ve said too much.

(((( joke!?! ))))

I was so confused but I kind of enjoyed it without really understanding it. Around this time I still thought Starsky and Hutch were married so I didn’t stand a chance with this kind of sophisticated on again off again relationship drama with songs.

But this brings me onto more serious matters which it pains me to have to share with you. While reminiscing about sweet Olivia prancing around the fun fair in THAT black pantsuit masterpiece, I was moved to recall Mr Zuko’s disturbing choice of words in those moments, and as I did so, I broke out into a cold sweat. Evening ruined. You unforgivable asshole Zuko!

I had to share my findings with you, my loyal follower(hi Jeff).

So you be the judge Jeff:

Accurate description of how Danny Zuko was actually feeling at the time? Or just a disgusting BULLSHIT FUDGE to make the song conveniently rhyme?:

I got chills,
they’re multiplyin’,
and I’m losin’ control,
cos the power you’re supplyin’
is ELECTRIFYIN’ !

Now I can totally dig the power/electricity angle – it’s an elegant poetic metaphor and I concur with his findings here regarding Miss Sandy(I can’t be bothered looking up her fictitious last name – we all know it’s Olivia Neutron Bomb really – fwooooooor).

But what, pray tell, are these chills that we’re supposed to believe Danny was experiencing here?

Now I’m not a medical man, and my experience with women isn’t quite in the Gene Simmons big leagues, but when I see a nice looking lady, I do not get chills. Literally never happened. I generally feel hot and bothered and my tummy goes all funny. Then I over-compensate to conceal my feelings and throw hot tea over her and run off. Works every time! Still single! (I’m crying here)

There’s no multiplication whatsoever. Nor division, nor subtraction, nor addition, not differentiation, nor trigonometry. OK so just occasionally there’s a little Laplace Transform, but that’s another story. Otherwise, it’s a maths free zone!

So I call bullshit on Mr. Zuko’s mythical “chills” and this fantasy multiplication they’re apparently undergoing. I think he was boldly insulting our intelligence just to make it rhyme. The vulgar little troll.

Now he could have said:

My nostrils,
are friggin’ fryin’,
and I’m losin’ both holes,
cos the power you’re supplyin’
is ELECTRIFYIN’ !

That ties in nicely with the electrocution angle AND it rhymes, even if the metre in the first line majorly sucks. But then I’m not the big fancy pants dancing man disgustingly sliming all over poor innocent little Sandy in Grease, so yknow, you get what you pay for. Get off my back, poetry Nazis!

Alternatively he could’ve gone for something more pragmatic(not hydramatic mind – a ha ha ha ha ha haaaaa! ***):

I’ve got bills,
they’re multiplyin’,
and I’m losing control,
cos the power you’re supplyin’
is OUTRAGEOUSLY EXPENSIVE !

What it lacks in rhyme, it makes up for in a certain inescapable logic.

But if I were in Danny Zuko’s shoes(assuming I didn’t go red and run off crying, farting as I ran, with my trousers falling down around my ankles; which is exactly what would happen in reality let’s face it), then I’d be tempted to say:

Daffodils
seem to be dyin’,
and I’m moving to coal,
cos the power you’re supplyin’
is ELECTRIFYIN’ !

Admittedly it’s not very romantic but it speaks to my Welsh roots and that’s important in a funky musical love song. Anyway it’s better than the original act of fraud that Mr. Zuko so charmingly attempted perpetrate back in 1978. And he nearly got away with it too.

SCREW YOU ZUKO!

Nice try.
Not getting past the Puppet on THIS occasion mister!
She should’ve been mine man! That’s all I’m saying. You don’t even like women – you’re into masseurs for fuck’s sake!

Aye but she’s a rum lass that Olivia though ain’t her?
255px-flag_of_wales_2-svg

*** well bugger me, it’s actually a real word AND it’s about cars. This is so typical – if I backed the hare, the sodding tortoise would win. and Aesop would say I told you so. Story of my life.

Well played Zuko, you devious bastard!

This is why he gets the pretty girl and I sit in a cold bedroom moaning about 40 year old lyrics that no one gives a shit about. Pray for me.

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8 thoughts on “J’Accuse Danny!

    1. I know – it’s inevitable with such a song.
      Now, if you use my new and improved lyrics, which I know you will, I’m afraid I’m going to have to charge royalties each time you sing, hum, or think it. I don’t make the rules.
      But fear not, I will be donating all the proceeds to a secret super special charity I just thought of for handsome people who’ve been afflicted by cruel new jobs this month.

      Liked by 2 people

  1. “…OUTRAGEOUSLY EXPENSIVE!” … Now there’s a fine reinterpretation. I tried my hand at it (reinterpreting) but got no where because I started off with “dills”, as in dill pickles and frankly, that is a really stupid thing to sing about.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. As usual I have to google you… about scooby snacks. “Vanilla wafers were packaged and sold as “Scooby Snacks” in Suncoast home video stores. The wafers are similar to Nilla Wafers. There is also a cocktail called the “Scooby snack”. It is made of equal part melon liqueur and coconut-flavored rum, shaken with a splash of pineapple juice, half and half or milk, and ice.” I’ll take the cocktail with a baby dill 🙂

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    1. Ahhhhh Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan, SUSAN, Susan, Susan, Susan, Susan … Why do you toy with me so?
      Who do you work for?
      Never mind, that’s not important now. I will play along with your little game of cat and mouse for now Mrs. Susan!
      Alas, your Scooby snack research has failed to descend to the required depths this evening. For instance, you neglected to mention the unforgettable Fun Lovin Criminals song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXju9OqdWMY
      But the Scooby snack printed on the card in my hand, the Scooby snack that would’ve won you tonight’s star prize – the speedboat – was this Scooby snack Susan: https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/61Iet%2BqWoAL._SX258_BO1,204,203,200_.jpg
      THAT is this Scooby snack I wanted that dill pickle on Susan. Happy now? Now back to the embassy with you to update my dossier Agent Mischkow! SEE I was onto you all along! (or is this another one of my BRILLIANT ruses? You will never know, such is the strangeness of my dance…)

      Like

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