Well you wouldn’t believe it last night,
me and Poldark got into a fight.
He was kissing and cuddling this guy,
which I saw as I happened on by.
He went mad and he got on his horse,
then he tried to pursue me of course,
but he couldn’t keep up with my pace,
in his corset and panties of lace.
I’m a gentleman though so I stopped,
and I picked up his hat which he’d dropped,
then I joked as I handed it back,
“Who did you come as then, Captain Jack?”.
But that blaggard neglected to smile,
in that typical teenager style,
so I told him to cut to the chase,
and he slapped a girl’s glove in my face.
He said “Sir we shall meet in a duel!”
I said “Poldark, stop acting the fool!
You are not on the telly tonight,
in the real world you’ll lose in a fight!”.
“And I really don’t care who you love…”
then he slapped me again with his glove!
I said “Right Ross, you just crossed the line,
now I’ll teach you some manners you swine!”
All his groupies began to applaud,
as he tried to unscabbard his sword.
I said “Surely you know it’s a prop?”,
but he raised it and started to chop.
Bit by bit, his crap sword came apart,
he got nervous and started to fart.
All the women looked scared and confused,
would tonight be when Poldark would lose?
He skipped off and he hid in a tree,
which I shook till he fell on my knee,
so I started to smack his behind,
not a man’s, more a womanly kind.
With his farts, the whole area stank,
so with clothes pegs, they watched as I spanked.
I said “Poldark, let this be a lesson!
No more babyish acts of aggression!”.
How he bawled as he crawled down the street,
with his trousers and pants round his feet.
Now his fans said that I was the best,
you can probably work out the rest.
Yes, they threw me a fancy parade,
where proposals of marriage were made!
And the makers of Poldark must know,
cos they’ve asked me to star in the show!